Heidi's Story
Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” For most of my life these words had been foreign to me. I never thought of God having a plan for me, especially one for me to prosper.
From the very beginning my life has been one of chaos, strife and hardship. You see I come from a broken home with more than its share of problems. I’ve seen what it’s like to have nothing. I learned at an early age how to start life anew in a new place with only the clothes on our backs, not really knowing anybody. I know how it feels to flee in the spur of a moment to escape one bad situation just to find the next right around the corner.
Even though my mother tried to raise us in the church, the ways of the world always found their way in. Through a string of my mom’s bad boyfriends I learned what the worse of the world could look like. Between seeing drugs and alcohol all around me to seeing and experiencing all manners of abuses, I grew up in all the wrong ways.
At an early age I knew what it felt like to crave death, how to escape pain, and how to cut off from reality. By the time I was a teenager I was experienced in drinking and knew way too much about marijuana. I fought with suicidal thoughts and learned how to self-injure to find a release. I looked for answers in all the wrong places. By the time I got through high school I’d let things build up so much that it’s only by the grace of God, I was able to get by. Unfortunately, I turned so far away from him I didn’t know where to find him. I was first hospitalized when I was 19. It was there in the hospital, after a two month drinking binge, I found out I was pregnant. God had blessed me with a healthy baby boy. Things weren’t going to be easy but I finally had my reason to live right. For a while things were good. We struggled but at least from the outside things were alright. The truth was things were spiraling out of control. I turned to witchcraft looking for happiness. When I didn’t find happiness in witchcraft, in came the marijuana and alcohol. I hung out with all the wrong people and made all the wrong decisions.After another hospitalization in 2009 when I was 22 things started looking up, or so I thought. Instead of truly dealing with all the hurt and pain I was just burying it down even more. Things didn’t last long. My self-injury increased yet again. My anxiety had gotten so bad it was hard for me to even function. The job I had was now gone. The friends I thought were good were bringing me down even faster. I found myself near the streets. I was bouncing from place to place. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I couldn’t take care of myself much less my son. I couldn’t fight the battle any longer. In September of 2010 I overdosed on my medication. During this entire time I was going to counseling, seeking help from everywhere, but God. The overdose resulted in yet again another trip to the hospital. To be at the point of actually swallowing the pills is unlike anything that can be described. All the hurt and pain that was buried deep down was now spewing over into my life. After that there were two more trips and nobody knows how many different medications. Finally in February of 2011, after I got out of the state hospital, I was at an all time low. I had no hope; I had been fighting the same fight for way too long. A friend of the family had my son; I had no home, no job, and no place to turn. A friend reached out. She invited me to go to Celebrate Recovery, a Christ-centered support group. It was there I decided to give it a go with God. The way I looked at it was, “What did I have to lose?” I never expected what would happen next. With just a day of being officially out on the streets I came to the Chrysalis Home. With the help of the people here and most importantly, God himself, my life has changed dramatically. Chrysalis, unlike other places, aims to help someone with their whole life not just parts of it. Unlike other places they don’t just put a band-aid on a person and send them back out into the world, causing a vicious cycle to begin. The people here worked with me intensely. No longer do I crave alcohol and marijuana to dull the pain. No longer do I find myself harming myself to find a release. For the first time in too long I don’t look over my shoulder afraid of the people around me. No longer are my dreams haunted by memories of past wrongs done to me. Even though some days are still tough to go through, I find myself craving life instead of death. I may still not know what God’s plan is for me, but for the first time I believe the words in Jeremiah, “For I have plans for you not to harm you, but plans to prosper you, plans for a hope and a future.” Hope is such a small word. It only consists of four letters, but take it from someone who never really had any, it’s such a huge relief when you get some. Every day I thank God for where he has brought me and where he is taking me. Heidi Hjellming
